frolic (frolic9) wrote in imnotbitter,

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Contribution! (I feel so special)

(X-posted to my journal.)

douleur: u and chris huh
Frolic: finally saw that?
Frolic: remember 'that girl' i was discussing w/you?
abbot: yeh, im not stupid
Frolic: i know
abbot: how long
Frolic: 'bout two weeks
abbot: why do you call me to do things?
Frolic: because you're my friend
abbot: am i?
Frolic: uh...yah
abbot: a friend who gets lied to for info
abbot: a friend to be there when you dont have other friends to hang with
Frolic: i've attempted to discuss 'things' with you before, and you weren't too happy w/the notion
Frolic: and i wanted background info
Frolic: that's not what you are
abbot: yeah, well it sure seems like it sometimes
Frolic: we have fun together, that's what friends do
abbot: you want to know why i vanished for several months
Frolic: everybody wants to know why you vanished
abbot: nates wedding i realized something
abbot: everyone has a place and someone there who cares
abbot: but not me, i dont have a place i fit, or someone who cares about for more then the fact that im a nice guy
Frolic: not everybody has a person
abbot: im a loner cause i dont know how to fit
abbot: yeah, some of us just get to be on our own
Frolic: it's the way life'll find somebody eventually
abbot: the only person i have ever been able to rely on is me
abbot: the only person who as never lied to me is me
Frolic: it's the same way w/every other person in the world
abbot: im alone kristin, and its painfull cause its all i ever known. when the only person who acts like they care is nobody, you can be quite lonely
Frolic: i'm sorry...i'm not sure what to say...but, you won't be alone forever
Frolic: besides, you have friends
abbot: yeah, all i have
Frolic: you can't have 'somebody' every single day of your'll happen
abbot: im a mess.
Frolic: everybody's a mess
abbot: im not sane kristin. im bipolar, i suffer dep. im supposed to be on meds, which i havent taken since last nov.
abbot: im a nut job
Frolic: oi...if i had a nickel for every one of my friends whose a little bit off...
Frolic: believe me
Frolic: you're not the only one
abbot: kristin, i dont think we should hang out anymore
Frolic: why?
Frolic: because you don't think we can be friends?
abbot: no
abbot: because i care too much about you.
Frolic: even after all the shit i've put you through?
abbot: told you i was a nut job
Frolic: heck, i was shocked you started speaking to me again
Frolic: happy, but shocked, nonetheless
abbot: kristin, you are one of the few people i feel comfortible around
Frolic: then why should we stop hanging out?
abbot: cause this hurts
abbot: cause everytime we go somewhere i want something that isnt gonna happen,
abbot: its like, a wonderful torture
abbot: i love talking to you, joking with you, doing things with you
abbot: it hurts.
Frolic: i'm sorry...
abbot: the reason i started talking to you again was i missed you.
Frolic: then why can't we be friends??
abbot: remember early spring we went to the thrift shop in davenprot
abbot: you bought that circus jacket you loved so dearly
Frolic: mmhmm
abbot: we went back to your house, and you put that flower in your hair
abbot: i just stood there and smiled
abbot: thats why
abbot: i cant change
Frolic: ::frustration::
abbot: im sorry kristin, but how can i go and do stuff with someone when evertime im with her i want to hold her hand
abbot: it sux
abbot: and it hurts
Frolic: i don't have an answer for you
Frolic: wish i did
abbot: i have feelings that you dont
abbot: share
abbot: and i dont want to feel like this
abbot: im sorry
Frolic: me too
abbot: i just......
abbot: it may be rather selfish but
Frolic: if you ever change your mind, you know where i'll be
abbot: kristin. ive felt like this for a while
abbot: its not a cold, thatll be better in a few days.
abbot: kristin
Frolic: what do you want me to say?...i feel horrible about the whole situation...i thought about bringing up the topic, just to make sure things wouldn't end up hellishly, (like they always seem to do, usually my fault)...but i didn't want to cause any undue stress...just thought there was actually a chance at friendship...
Frolic: so, what's the verdict?
abbot: i love you. its stupid and retarded to say it. and im sure you probly dont understand why. but its the truth. its why i called you. what made me miss you. what makes me smile when i see you or hear you on the phone. and its why i think its just better to not attempt friendship. cause its more painful to love someone youre not supposed to love, then to say goodbye to a friend.


I suppose it's my own naivety that got me into this uncomfortable position...again...

I should have seen it coming. In fact, I knew something wasn't quite right...

But, grr...Sometimes I hate being right.
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